School Of Schlock

If there are any constants in life, they are death, taxes, and bad movies based on video games. This episode doesn't focus much on death or taxes, but it definitely takes aim at this cheesy piece of 90s cinema that tried to capture the gaming crowd. Tom and Ryan wield the powers of Body and Soul as they talk about roided-up supermutants, The Big Quake of 2007, and the significance of Iron Chef America. As a special bonus, you also get to learn what faction Tom played back in his Warhammer 40,000 days. Plus our first comment from an international listener! You get all of this and some choice quotes from Andy Dick during our review of Double Dragon!   Time stamps: 0:04:04 - Film Summary 0:36:28 - Background 1:12:35 - The Good 1:19:20 - The Bad 1:27:58 - The Ugly 1:43:34 - Improvements 1:45:25 - Listener Comments  

Calling all luchadors! There are evil mummies on the loose in the Mexican town of Guanajuato, and only a veritable super-team of lucha libre stars can stop them! Join Tom, Ryan, and Jess as they grapple with this over-the-top piece of Mexican cinema "starring" El Santo. But don't be surprised if the discussion turns to such things as the Guanajuato tourism board, the best restaurants in Guadalupe, or a countdown of the many masks of Mil Mascaras. Get ready to suplex Satan in The Mummies of Guanajuato!   Time Stamps: 0:03:28 - Film Summary 0:29:05 - Background 0:41:57 - The Good 0:49:13 - The Bad 0:58:20 - The Ugly 1:09:25 - Improving the Film

Buck Rogers in the 25th century! If that's a phrase you recognize, then you're the target market for this 1953 recut of a bunch of 1930s sci-fi serials. Join Tom and Ryan as they watch Olympians, ponder round-trip flights to Saturn, and encounter the person who may be the most prolific actor in the history of Hollywood! So put down that Encyclopedia of Dirigible Accidents and enjoy this review of Planet Outlaws!   Time Stamps: 0:05:00 - Film Summary 0:21:35 - Background 0:43:20 - The Good 0:49:30 - The Bad 1:00:05 - The Ugly 1:16:20 - Improving the Film

When women a group of women are irradiated and have their DNA mixed with that of bees, what is it that they want? Apparently the answer is lots of sex! Join Tom and Ryan as they are subjected to a terrible softcore sci-fi film that prompts discussions about press conferences, bad lighting, and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Try as you might, you won't soon forget Invasion of the Bee Girls! Episode Time Stamps: 0:03:39 - Plot Summary 0:33:35 - Background 0:55:05 - The Good 0:59:13 - The Bad 1:09:10 - The Ugly 1:31:03 - Improvements

The Corman Crew cranked out another face-meltingly poor horror film, and Tom and Ryan get to sit through it! Not even the trio of Jack Nicholson, Boris Karloff, and Francis Ford Coppola can save this snoozer of a ghost story that reads like a discarded early draft from Edgar Allen Poe. So give a listen as we talk about editing errors, the Jack Nicholson voice, and demonized femininity in The Terror!   Episode Time Stamps 0:02:25 - Film Summary 0:31:28 - Film Background 1:06:55 - The Good 1:15:20 - The Bad 1:27:23 - The Ugly 1:45:30 - Improving the Film 1:48:22 - Email

2017 was a tough year in many ways, but what was it like in the School of Schlock? From Bucket of Blood to Santa Claus, we take the list of films we watched this year and determine the worst of the worst, including Worst Character, Worst Moment or Line, Worst Visual. We also make final judgment on what was our Worst Films of the Year. This is the way to start 2018 off right! Happy New Year!   Episode Time Stamps 0:02:43 - Schlockys Explanation and Film List 0:06:04 - Schlocky Lifetime Achievement Award   0:09:30 - Worst Character    0:51:13 - Worst Moment or Line   1:34:10 - Worst Visual 1:52:08 - Best Moment   1:56:48 - Ten Worst Films of the Year

Ho ho ho! Santa has to fight the Devil for the souls of earth's children, but with a little Merlin magic and Santa's army of child laborers, Christmas just might be saved! Tom and Ryan take in this delightful, terrifying holiday romp, and along the way they tackle such Yuletide topics as Western views of Africa, using a traveling carnival to launch your film career, and what an alternate-reality version of Ryan might be like. So double-check your Christmas lists to ensure that you asked for a rocket, an atomic laboratory, and our review of the Mexican family classic, Santa Claus!   Episode Time Stamps 0:03:36 - Film Summary   0:39:58 - Film Background    0:54:25 - The Good 0:57:14 - The Bad 1:08:48 - The Ugly   1:21:30 - Improving the Film

What do you get if you take the director of the Poseidon Adventure, add in Sean Connery, Karl Malden, Henry Fonda, and Natalie Wood, and mix in some experienced screenwriters tackling one of the hottest genres of their time? The answer is: you get a big boring mess! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about Oscar winning people, learn who was complimented by Charlie Chaplin, find out what happens when you decide not to go with John Williams as your composer, and get a lesson on what name might be said more frequently on Chinese college campuses than any other. All this and more as we review the 1979 disaster movie, Meteor!   Episode Time Stamps 0:04:30 - Film Summary   0:30:15 - Film Background    1:05:05 - The Good 1:12:55 - The Bad 1:23:55 - The Ugly   1:36:38 - Improving the Film

Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...no, we're not watching The Princess Bride this week, but instead a crappy 1960s fantasy that indulges the many tropes of fantasy films while also doing nothing with them! Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss fantasy-relevant topics such as Sherlock Holmes, "freak show" voyeurism, and terrible Irish accents. This podcast is hotter than the 4th curse (out of 7) as we discuss The Magic Sword!   Episode Time Stamps 0:02:37 - Film Summary   0:40:31 - Film Background    1:03:38 - The Good 1:08:30 - The Bad 1:22:02 - The Ugly   1:33:50 - Improving the Film

The horror-comedy genre has a long and storied tradition of pretty terrible films, but this might just stand head-and-shoulders above the rest! Listen to Tom and Ryan talk about such timely topics as the 1980 Olympics, the rescue of baby Jessica, and musical numbers on mini-golf courses! So get that submarine out of your stomach and listen to our review of Saturday the 14th Strikes Back!   Episode Time Stamps   0:02:30 - Film Summary   0:12:18 - Film Background    0:36:50 - The Good 0:45:14 - The Bad 1:01:55 - The Ugly   1:20:06 - Improving the Film

A mad scientist is hell-bent on making a woman beautiful again after a waffle iron accident leaves her mildly scarred. Tom and Ryan discuss all the ins and outs of this cheesy sci-fi horror flick, such as the ways in which all-engulfing flames can leave minor scars, the things that Billy Idol and this movie have in common, and the many mistreatments of women that can be packed into an hour and twenty minutes. Load up on Derma-28, because it's time to discuss Atom Age Vampire! Episode Time Stamps 0:03:10 - Film Summary 0:39:45 - Film Background 0:51:33 - The Good 1:01:40 - The Bad 1:13:45 - The Ugly 1:32:06 - Improving the Film

Tom and Ryan settle in to enjoy a Western film with plenty of dueling, the way it was meant to be done: with epees and machetes. They also get into the topics of "indentured servitude," dying for honor, and the prospect of JFK giving speeches about sugar. Hold tight to your flat, Midwestern accents, because it's time to enjoy the whitest creole culture you've ever seen in Duel on the Mississippi! Episode Time Stamps   0:04:00 - Film Summary   0:32:45 - Film Background    0:52:24 - The Good 0:59:32 - The Bad 1:11:40 - The Ugly   1:35:45 - Improving the Film

What do you do when a monster from space is threatening Japan? Why, you send in Tom, Ryan, and the most adorable kaiju you can find to take care of it! We review this family-friendly, super 70s Japanese monster film, and along the way get into discussions about theme songs, marvel at the artistic might of Toho, and put on our worst Boston accentsfor a boardroom presentation. Ride along with us on our exploding aerobikes as we review Daigoro vs Goliath! Episode Time Stamps 0:03:00 - Film Summary 0:34:05 - Film Background 0:47:46 - The Good 0:51:58 - The Bad 0:58:20 - The Ugly 1:07:42 - Improving the Film

Special guest Brian joins Tom and Ryan to talk about another 1970s horror cheese-fest that includes Sam Elliott, miscellaneous amphibians, and a whole lot of clumsy deaths. The discussion naturally veers to such topics as the coloration of film credits, largemouth bass making dolphin noises, and Ted, the failed creature wrangler. Nothing will get in the way of your special day if you listen in to our review of Frogs! Episode Time Stamps   0:05:00 - Film Summary   0:41:03 - Film Background    1:02:20 - The Good 1:11:38 - The Bad 1:22:55 - The Ugly   1:34:40 - Improving the Film

Special guest Lacey joins Tom and Ryan to discuss an early 60s beach-party horror musical that's somewhat lacking in beaches, music, or horror. Along the way they try to determine what words are okay to use on the Internet, whether fish-creatures qualify as zombies, and what needs to happen to turn Eulabelle into the greatest film protagonist of all time. Join us as we zombie stomp our way through The Horror of Party Beach! Don't forget the sodium! (Also guest starring Sammy Terry.)     Episode Time Stamps   0:02:30 - Film Summary   0:28:43 - Film Background    0:47:30 - The Good   0:58:05 - The Bad   1:14:32 - The Ugly   1:33:40 - Improving the Film

Special guest Claude joins us for an XL-sized episode that's chock-full of talk about a weird, Lynchian zombie film from the 1970s. Along the way we tackle such important questions as: When will video games stop using audio diaries? What do you do if you're being watched by Lee Harvey Oswald? Is Howard the Duck a scarier horror movie than this film? And is it okay to knit while going to the theater? All of this, plus so much more in our rundown of Messiah of Evil! We may be ugly old men, but we're harmless!     Episode Time Stamps   0:06:45 - Film Summary   1:11:55 - Film Background    1:38:00 - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, and More   2:08:15 - Improving the Film

Special guest Raven joins us from Fantom Comics in D.C. to talk about a movie that misses the mark when it comes to blockbuster superhero action. Listen in as we talk about car theft, diners that house secret bases, and a President willing to kick some ass in the name of environmentalism. Raven also helps us try to reconcile this film's plot with the actual backstory of the comic book characters it depicts. If you're wondering "do they succeed?" my answer is: Is the Red Skull Italian? Find out in our discussion of the 1990 cheesefest, Captain America!     Episode Time Stamps   0:04:46 - Film Summary   0:44:10 - Film Background    1:00:40 - The Good   1:11:20 - The Bad   1:28:55 - The Ugly   1:44:55 - Improving the Film

Special guest Spencer joins us from "High and Low: A Kurosawa Podcast" to discuss what is most assuredly NOT a Kurosawa film: a cheaply made chopsocky kung fu film from Taiwan. Join us as we answer the most pressing questions about this movie, such as: which costumes would RuPaul wear? Does the film meet the criteria for Six Degrees of Wu-Tang? And is this all really an allegory for a Chinese restaurant in Arizona? Don't wait nineteen years to find out! Listen to our review of Return of the Kung Fu Dragon!     Episode Time Stamps   0:05:48 - Film Summary   0:40:29 - Film Background    0:48:43 - The Good   1:00:10 - The Bad   1:16:06 - The Ugly   1:26:29 - Improving the Film

The Master would approve of this very special one year anniversary episode as Tom and Ryan tackle a cult classic and one of the worst films of all time, Manos: The Hands of Fate! Come listen to the story of how Manos came to be and find out exactly why this film is so terrible in every regard. Our one piece of advice? Never make a bet with a fertilizer salesman.     Episode Time Stamps   0:05:04 - Film Summary   0:21:20 - Film Background    0:50:12 - The Good   0:53:14 - The Bad   1:06:55 - The Ugly   1:27:00 - Improving the Film

A mirror-wearing monster from the future is on the loose in central Florida! Or at least it is for the last 15 minutes of this 1958 piece of sci-fi dreck. Before that, Tom and Ryan have to sit through reverse-carbon-dating, selfish scientists, air-headed secretaries, peeping toms, and tons of wasted potential in Terror from the Year 5000! At least Tom learns a little something about Avatar: The Last Airbender and how much Ryan loves the M. Night Shyamalan film adaptation.     Episode Time Stamps   0:04:35 - Film Summary   0:30:20 - Film Background    0:49:52 - The Good   0:58:14 - The Bad   1:12:06 - The Ugly   1:30:30 - Improving the Film