School Of Schlock

Cryogenic freezing has been a sci-fi staple for a while, and it's easy to see why. Someone from our time is frozen and wakes up in the distant future of...one day later. And that's about all that happens in the 60s soap opera snoozer dressed up like a sci-fi film! Join Tom and Ryan as they watch scientific lectures, forget about the bullet in the chamber, and make a series of temperature-based puns! This isn't just Netflix and chill, this is Frozen Alive! Time stamps: 0:04:55 - Background 0:21:05 - Film Summary 0:45:40 - The Good 1:00:44 - The Bad 1:16:35 - The Ugly 1:26:05 - Improvements

It's that time of year again! The annual Schlockys are here, and Tom and Ryan have a boatload of bad films, characters, visuals, and moments from the past podcasting year to review and rank. Who will take home the coveted Worst Character award? Which visual was the most offensive to the eyes? And what moments set us off on furious rants? Find out all of that and more in the 2018 Schlocky Awards! Time Stamps: 0:03:38 - Film List and Categories 0:07:00 - Lifetime Achivement Award 0:09:52 - Worst Character 1:07:37 - Worst Moment or Line 1:52:14 - Worst Visual 2:04:30 - Best Moment 2:07:00 - The 10 Worst Films of the Year

It's the time of year to spread holiday cheer! And who better to spread holiday cheer than a steroid-using washed up racist wrestler by the name of Hulk Hogan? Join Tom, Ryan, and special guest Jess as they review a mid-90s Christmas movie mistake that everyone would just as soon forget. And don't fret, because they also talk about Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake, The Wolf of Wall Street, and the danger of candy canes as weapons. Cook up some reindeer meat and enjoy our review of Santa with Muscles! Time stamps: 0:05:25 - Background 0:44:35 - Film Summary 1:09:40 - The Good 1:13:55 - The Bad 1:25:10 - The Ugly 1:40:47 - Improvements

Freddy vs Jason. Alien vs Predator. Abbott vs Costello. There's a long and storied tradition of horror movie monsters duking it out in the cinema and leaving a trail of victims in their wake. It should be a simple formula, but as Tom and Ryan discover, it can go wrong in 1000 different ways! What Hollywood icons had this as their final movie? Why are there three different plots happening? Where should you turn if Dracula is giving you directions? Find out all this and more in our review of Dracula vs. Frankenstein! Time stamps: 0:04:50 - Background 0:33:30 - Film Summary 1:11:18 - The Good 1:13:55 - The Bad 1:24:11 - The Ugly 1:41:35 - Improvements

It's been a while since Tom and Ryan tried to watch a sexploitation film, and this movie is here to demonstrate why. Listen in as they discuss this moralizing relic and other topics of interest, such as high school productions of Guys 'n' Dolls, the demonization of sex work, and tombs (where people aren't alive). It's our review of The Wild and Wicked!   Time stamps: 0:02:26 - Background 0:15:10 - Film Summary 0:32:18 - The Good 0:36:35 - The Bad 0:46:00 - The Ugly 1:07:28 - Improvements

An icy tundra. A horrible monster. Paranoia and fraying relationships. No, it's not The Thing, no matter how much we wish it was! A giant beast is prowling the Swedish hills, and no one knows how to stop it. Tom and Ryan watch as the film wanders from genre to genre; in the meantime, they discuss American re-cuts, filming a twenty-foot-tall monster, fake Frank Sinatra, and the absence of John Carradine. It's our review of Terror in the Midnight Sun!   Time stamps: 0:03:50 - Background 0:19:25 - Film Summary 0:36:15 - The Good 0:47:35 - The Bad 0:57:30 - The Ugly 1:08:55 - Improvements

It's creepy and it's kooky, mysterious and...that's about it. It's our annual Halloween episode, and this time we watch a horror movie so impossibly bad, it's scary. A monster that looks like a rejected carpet store mascot has come to earth to consume humans! Who can stop this beast? Some soldiers? A man with a grenade? Tom and Ryan ask themselves these questions while reflecting on why this film deserves a place among the all-time worst movies ever made. It's...The Creeping Terror! Time stamps: 0:04:10 - Background 0:23:55 - Film Summary 0:39:30 - The Good 0:44:25 - The Bad 0:58:52 - The Ugly 1:08:50 - Improvements

When there's a villain who needs to be stopped, which international super-spy do you call in to do the job? ...Ok, well what if he's busy? ...Ok, well, eventually, somewhere down the list, you'll find the name Charles Hood. Join Tom and Ryan as they watch Mr. Hood deal in pornography, sightsee in Portugal, and treat women like dirt! It's all in the name of stopping a hardened criminaland his flying confessional. It's our review of Hammerhead! Hammerheeeeaaad! Hammerheeeeeeeeaaaaaaad! Time stamps: 0:03:30 - Background 0:30:53 - Film Summary 1:12:15 - The Good 1:17:44 - The Bad 1:28:35 - The Ugly 1:43:00 - Improvements

Part 2 of our 1984 action movie block absolutely sizzles with poor writing and a disjointed plot! What happens in a future where motorcycle gangs run rampant? The answer is: a whole lot and nothing at all! Join Tom and Ryan as they fly kamikaze model planes, read Insect Man #47, and determine how this movie compares to a grocery store cake. Stop jousting, take off those skull masks, and listen to our review of City Limits! Time stamps: 0:03:56 - Background 0:25:58 - Film Summary 0:48:21 - The Good 0:54:57 - The Bad 1:06:45 - The Ugly 1:21:40 - Improvements

We've got another crappy 80's action film on our hands, and this one doles out the pain in a meandering, lackadaisical fashion. A flamethrower and a welding mask do not an exciting movie make. Listen in as Tom and Ryan discuss an arms race of atrocities, the differences between dump-trucks and trash trucks, and post-apocalyptic gangs in modern-day settings. Vigilante justice is here in the form of our review of Exterminator 2! Time stamps: 0:02:40 - Background 0:30:12 - Film Summary 0:56:33 - The Good 1:04:52 - The Bad 1:13:18 - The Ugly 1:27:20 - Improvements

They're creepy, they're crawly, they want to suck your blood! No, not vampire-centipede hybrids...leeches! And they're all over this cheaply made swamp-stomping monster flick. Join Tom and Ryan as they investigate the right way to fish with dynamite, recoil at this movie's attitude toward women and the environment, and ultimately ask themselves what the heck makes for a movie becoming a "cult classic" anyway? Don't flip your canoe, it's our review of Attack of the Giant Leeches! Time stamps: 0:04:35 - Background 0:22:13 - Film Summary 0:41:39 - The Good 0:46:36 - The Bad 0:58:40 - The Ugly 1:14:15 - Improvements

Yeehaw, partner! Saddle up for a plot-light horse opera that's focused on the central theme of every good Western: fighting Japanese spies in the Philippines! Join Tom and Ryan as they chat all about the industrious David Sharpe (again), the terror of ventriloquist dummies, and the right way to merge the Marvel Cinematic Universe into Remember the Titans. So bring yourself AND your pony over and give a listen to our review of Texas to Bataan! Time stamps: 0:04:50 - Background 0:26:15 - Film Summary 0:55:10 - The Good 1:01:42 - The Bad 1:14:53 - The Ugly 1:30:15 - Improvements

By the gods, it's time to watch a film based on mythology! There are so many fascinating myths and intriguing characters that surely a film based on myth has to be interesting...or at least watchable, right? Well this week Tom and Ryan endure a film that puts the lie to that assumption, as they chat about sword-and-sandal epics, intense misogyny, and very Italian films stars like Gordon Mitchell. Put on a lizard costume and listen to our review of Vulcan, Son of Jupiter! Time stamps: 0:04:25 - Background 0:22:26 - Film Summary 0:36:30 - The Good 0:44:48 - The Bad 0:56:16 - The Ugly 1:11:40 - Improvements

There are a small handful of B movies that can claim a real cult following and true cinematic infamy. Perhaps the greatest and worst of all of these is none other than Plan 9 From Outer Space. Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss one of the most famously terrible movies of all time for their special 50th episode! You'll hear all about the future, the tragic end of Ed Wood, the future, beating off aliens, and the future! All this and more in our review of Plan 9 From Outer Space! Time stamps: 0:03:10 - Background 0:38:25 - Film Summary 1:08:25 - The Good 1:12:10 - The Bad 1:28:06 - The Ugly 1:32:04 - Improvements

As Indiana Jones could tell you, archaeological expeditions can easily go sideways. Who knows what you might unearth while you're exploring the ruins of ancient peoples? Join Tom and Ryan as they discover the dangers hidden in ancient tombs, learn the differences between pictographs and petroglyphs, and find out how a San Bernadino District Attorney ties into this mess. It's our review of Teenagers Battle the Thing! Time stamps: 0:04:30 - Film Summary 0:15:10 - Background 0:26:30 - The Good 0:30:50 - The Bad 0:43:20 - The Ugly 0:51:25 - Improvements  

It's another creature feature from the 50s, as well as another Bert I. Gordon joint, where a giant spider is on the loose! Can a high school science teacher and two obnoxious teens save this small town? We discuss the possibilities while also chatting about exterminators in a daycare, failing to empathize with your main characters, and which double-bill featuring this film would be the worst. Come out of your cave and listen to our review of Earth vs. The Spider!   Time stamps: 0:03:55 - Film Summary 0:24:48 - Background 0:42:09 - The Good 0:53:58 - The Bad 1:01:24 - The Ugly 1:12:48 - Improvements

Four scientists have crash on Mars and have to survive the barren alien landscape, but if you come to this film expecting The Martian, just click your heels three times and go home! We watch this plodding movie where nothing happens while discussing why nothing happens; we also talk about Martian lectures, a cabal of vending machine operators, and the use of this film as a safe, non-addictive sleeping aid. There's no place like home, and there truly is no movie quite like The Wizard of Mars!   Time stamps: 0:04:35 - Film Summary 0:13:20 - Background 0:28:23 - The Good & The Bad (Mostly the Bad) 0:46:35 - The Ugly 1:05:30 - Improvements

Adorable, furry parasites from parts unknown are out to conquer the human race via mind control, and Tom and Ryan have to watch this poorly-plotted piece of sci-fi dreck to find out how to stop them! Along the way they discover a missing group of scientists, find out how to make monsters out of pipe cleaners, and uncover a role played by a future titan of science fiction cinema. You don't need to spend forever searching for clues; just listen to our review of The Brain Eaters! Time stamps: 0:03:23 - Film Summary 0:31:05 - Background 0:51:58 - The Good 0:59:18 - The Bad 1:11:52 - The Ugly 1:27:10 - Improvements

If you grew up in the 1980s, you probably knew all about He-Man. But were you one of the lucky youths to experience the live-action movie from 1987? Whether you were or not, you should listen to Tom and Ryan discuss this sword-and-sorcery-comes-to-America adventure. Come learn all about this film's connections to the Rocky franchise, why its climactic fight scene was shot in the dark, and of course, what it means to move twenty metrons poleward. Play a little ditty on your Cosmic Key and listen to our review of Masters of the Universe! Time stamps: 0:04:10 - Film Summary 0:33:43 - Background 1:09:37 - The Good 1:15:23 - The Bad 1:24:15 - The Ugly

In the year 2889, if man is still alive, if woman can survive, they may find Tom and Ryan still suffering through this post-apocalyptic snoozer. Not even irradiated mutants can inject excitement into this film from the 1960s that features everything you'd expect: swimming pools, jugs of moonshine, and absolutely zero tension. You can also expect to find discussion about the all-important title of "schlockmeister," the right way to remake Roger Corman films, and the protection of child actors. So pour out the water, get yourself some fresh, raw meat, and settle in for our discussion of In the Year 2889!   Time stamps: 0:02:45 - Film Summary 0:27:48 - Background 0:50:55 - The Good 0:55:30 - The Bad 1:01:55 - The Ugly 1:16:33 - Improvements