Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

  This episode is my response to a review that was left on SelfWork this week. They write, “Thank you for taking the time to make this podcast. I’ve tried therapy at least five times in the last ten years for anxiety, depression and grief. I could never stick with therapy. But since discovering your podcast and binging on the episodes that resonate, I feel much more confident about taking on therapy and more modern treatments, and much more informed. “ So, on this episode of SelfWork sponsored by Athletic Greens,  we'll focus on why you might tend to quit therapy – or at least the reasons you give.  And my recommendation is to think through the "why" of your desire to leave the relationship. This issue may be more complicated than first thought. Tied in with that, what are the roles therapists can play? Or what are the different structures for therapy? If you know these roles, you’ll walk into the relationship realizing all it could be – and make sure you and your therapist are headed in the direc

When I was a kid, I went to a Presbyterian church every Sunday and grew up there. Sunday School, church, youth group – the whole program. That’s not the subject for this episode, however. The topic today is self-forgiveness. Why did I bring up my church memories? Because I was very thoughtful about the whole thing, and remember asking my mother this question: “How can I hear me knocking on God’s door?” This innocent question was based on the scripture, “Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door will be opened to you.”  I was curious about just how I was going to know that door was opening if I couldn’t even hear myself knock. I now realize our own beliefs are found in our inner mind and heart – we “know” them, but they aren’t concrete. We “hear” them inside our own thoughts and feelings. We feel and know love. We feel and know sorrow. And we feel and know or recognize self-forgiveness. It happens inwardly. You can’t see it – but you can sure feel it. So in this episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll tal

Every day I receive a bunch of emails from publicists, publishing houses, or teachers on every subject you could think of to suggest either themselves or their client to be a guest on SelfWork. It's a flattering problems to have. But some are very unique, like this one from LinkedIn's Scott Shute. "Hi Dr. Margaret, I hope this finds you in the middle of a smile." That got my attention. Scott has had a diverse career, but now leads LinkedIn's Mindfulness and Compassion Programs, which he describes as a rare and growing field. I was very curious! His book, The Full Body Yes, was just released in May of 2021 and I enjoyed his very story-driven style, often using his own life as an example of what and what not to do. He focuses on building compassion in the workplace, and as always, we talk about what you can do about it in your own work environment. Scott would say that "it starts with you" - that you don't have to have any programs to learn how to build your own real sense of com

Sometimes I receive an email that tears at my heartstrings. And this week was one of those times. I’ll read you the email – the heads up is that it’s about a sudden and totally unexpected suicide that led its writer to reach out to me about perfectly hidden depression with the question – Can someone hide depression, even suicidal thinking, from themselves? I’ll give my unequivocal answer. Our listener voicemail also mentions perfectly hidden depression, but is basically a question about what my thoughts are about when to go consider medication for depression. I’m not a prescriber nor a psychiatrist so I can only offer general thoughts on this topic as a psychologist, but I can address it. I’m so thankful to so many of you for leaving reviews on Apple Podcasts – the last one said, “ This woman has changed my entire life! I didn’t even realize how traumatized I was or that I even needed therapy before this podcast. Nevertheless, my friend suggested that I listen and since then I have a consistent relationship w

Today we're going to focus on why we lie to each other, to ourselves and even in therapy. We'll touch on severe manipulative lying, called pathological lying, and compulsive lying, but most of the episode we'll discuss plain old lying. I found two wonderful articles on the subject and their links are below. Hopefully understanding the "why" might help you realize that there are other things you could do... and I, as always, suggest what you can do about it. The listener voicemail for today is from someone who read my blogpost on enmeshment and is looking for some answers. Those of who had cruel or neglectful parents might not at all understand at this man’s plight, He was loved too much??? But whether or not the boundaries of parenting were nonexistent because you got manipulated through abuse, or whether they were nonexistent because you weren’t allowed or supported in building a life away from a parent, the damage can exist either way. So, in this episode sponsored by Athletic Greens, le

On today's You Get the Gist, I’m wanting to make a couple of points that may or may not have occurred to you while you heard about or you were watching Simone Biles’ journey at the Olympics. First, I wondered what your first thought might’ve been when you heard Ms. Biles had initially opted out. And we fairly quickly learned it was because of her concerns about her focus – basically her impaired state of mental health – and how that might work to harm her physically. Or as she said to her team, “I don’t want to ruin your chances of winning…” with a less than stellar performance. And second, did you put yourself in her shoes? Could you disappoint your boss, or your family, or your kids – due to your own concerns about your mental health? How many times have you done things that you realized on a core level might harm you, but you went ahead and did it? Would there be a limit to that? What would the boundary be for you to say, “No, I can’t.” There’s a lot you can learn from your own reactions… so I’m here t

This week was very hard  as one of my close family members died suddenly. I didn’t know if I’d have the energy or even the ability to do a podcast. So, I looked for one that I might add on to - maybe about grief. And I found this podcast from a year and a half ago that fit. I'll focus first on what I've learned from many who are mourning about what can be a very difficult aspect of grief and somehow you can feel ashamed - of how you watch others' lives go on normally. And yours has changed so drastically. It's lonely. But we'll also talk about three things you can do to reach out in a meaningful and difference-making way to those who are grieving. The listener voicemail today is from someone who’s in a relationship where finances are a source of conflict between them – and I’ve heard this problem quite a bit – and have learned to try to remember always to ask about financial arrangements in a partnership. Perhaps many of you have also had difficulty around the issue of money and fairness a

Do you or someone you know apologize all the time? This can stem from several dynamics – if you’re in an abusive relationship currently or there was trauma in your childhood where you’ve grown up believing that the fault when relationships or events go sour is somehow all yours. There’s also the presence of anxiety or more specifically OCD, or what’s termed “the spotlight effect”. We’ll talk about all of these and more. So we’ll talk about how to catch yourself from that unnecessary “I’m sorry” and change it into something that notices when things aren’t quite right, but doesn’t indicate a one-down position. The listener voicemails for today share two distinct ways of thinking about aging. I wrote a post called “Turning 58” years ago now – and both of them had strong reactions. The fact that they both were sent to me in a short period of time was ironic – and it would be easy to label one “Good” and the other one “bad.” I’d like us to listen instead with compassion and see what could help both. So welcome to

For today's YGTG, or "You Get the Gist", I was pondering what a patient of mine said the other day. He had to struggle a bit with the idea that therapy – for him – felt a little self-indulgent. He followed quickly up by saying, “I know it’s because I rarely if ever focus on myself. And it feels a little odd doing it. But it’s also not an easy thing to do. And most self-indulgences are that… easy things. Things that offer comfort. This definitely isn’t easy.” What follows is a story about having a rock in your shoe - which I hope can stand as a metaphor for those who may not come into therapy for severe trauma or grief, depression or anxiety - but who can benefit greatly from realizing that dealing with something apparently "small" may have remarkable results. You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If yo

The Hidden Opponent is the name of D1 College Athlete Victoria Garrick's TedTalk. And it's powerful. Who is she? She's a former Division I Volleyball Player, TED Talk Speaker and has now become a social media Influencer, and mental health advocate. Those are the facts about Victoria Garrick. She’s young, she’s incredibly energetic and passionate. She’s highly competitive. And she’s struggled with depression as well as a binge eating disorder, the latter of which she’s only now started opening up about. After graduating from the University of Southern California in 2019, Victoria has traveled the country speaking on college campuses, hosts her hit podcast Real Pod, and creates daily content for her army of over 1.5M+ people who follow her message of authenticity and self-care on social media. I know that those of you who are in college or recently out will be fascinated with her and parents whose kids are into sports also need to listen – as she opens up about how the competitiveness of sports and

It’s been long known in the field of trauma that people who survive a car wreck, a mass shooting, or now, a worldwide viral pandemic – can often struggle with questions about why they survived, while someone right next to them, or someone they loved, did not. Parents who buried their children. Teachers who saw students gunned down. And of course, it’s a huge part of the PTSD felt by soldiers returning from war or anyone going through trauma. So today’s episode, sponsored by  Athletic Greens, focuses on surviving your own guilt. But survivor’s guilt can also exist in a milder or perhaps we should say in a more subtle form. Someone’s house that remained standing after a tornado destroys others’ homes. A mom with three children whose best friend can’t get pregnant. Someone whose family openly accepted them as gay or trans while a partner’s family disowned them. Our listener email is from someone whose teenager has come to them, telling them he is gay. And they turned to me for advice on where to go for good advi

CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is all about discovering your mental mistakes or cognitive distortions - or as the CBT folks say, “Your stinkin' thinkin." And CBT is the most recommended therapeutic method to fend off depression. It makes sense. It’s fairly easy to understand. And their premise is that if you change what you believe, then the emotions and actions that follow will be different and far healthier. So today, in this episode sponsored again by BetterHelp, we’ll talk about the ten most common mental mistakes you can make and what to do about them. The listener email for today is from a man whose addictions have created pain and severe illness. He takes responsibility but also states that his wife is stuck in believing that he’s feeling sorry for himself. He says he’s very depressed. This is a difficult situation where both sound angry and certainly not allied. What would you say to him? I’ll give it my own try.. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special o

We’re talking self-talk today on SelfWork;  What is it? And what can you do about it? A lot of people tell me they kinda “know” what it is, but haven't a clue how to change it. It feels as if it’s too elusive. How could you possibly rein in what your mind is telling you about something? Today, in this episode sponsored by Athletic Greens, I'll offer six steps for this process. But I want to stress that it takes practice. And lots of it. So please be patient with yourself. The rewards can be incredible, but often you're trying to undo years of self-criticism that whispers almost constantly. Our listener email from today is from someone who’s not getting over a divorce and links it with not having access to his emotions. So how do you access your emotions when it doesn't come easily for you? Important links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product with your subscription! List of emotions: https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/list-of-emotions You can he

As I wrote the book Perfectly Hidden Depression, I included over sixty specific exercises that would make reading it more of an emotional challenge, rather than one more chance to analyze. There are both action-oriented and reflective exercises and hopefully, you'd come away with a journal full of fresh insights, guidance on effecting real change in your life and support for taking risks. So today, in this episode sponsored by Athletic Greens,  I want to give you a taste of those exercises, so that you can get a sense of how this kind of change can be tried on for size. So many people want to change but start off with a plan that's way too difficult or hard to reach. Instead, these exercises are things you can do to help set yourself up for success – however it is that you would like to define that success. They include: creating a mantra, beginning to detach from shame, identifying emotions that are hard to feel, realizing underlying beliefs about worry and other feeling states, receiving positive re

In today’s SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to be talking about how to enrich your emotional life through self-compassion. So many people tell me that they don’t know how to begin to risk feelings that have been suppressed for years. But when you do, you expand the emotions available to you, and enrich your own emotional life. I gave some basics in Episode 102 – so there are other ideas there as well. Today, i offer one simple exercise or visualization for you to try that might open an emotional door for you. There’s always the caveat when I’m talking about reaching out to deeper feelings.That caveat is that trauma work – risking feeling emotions that are a result of trauma or abuse – often needs to be done with a trauma expert. You can get overwhelmed or even dissociate if by yourself. So please assess the risk carefully. The listener email is from someone who’s angry that a loved one attempted suicide, although there is also great compassion. She’s confused and afraid she doesn’t have the rig

Depression can steal your sense of vitality. Your "get up and go" or your motivation to reach goals that mean something to you can disappear. It's called anhedonia -- basically the lack of pleasure in (or motivation for) activities that used to mean something to you or to try on new challenges. But you don't have to be depressed for this to happen. Plain old insecurity can morph into passivity. And the dream of attaining certain goals can seem so far out of reach that you don't know how to become who you want to be. Enter the "as if" technique. In this repeat episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, Dr. Margaret will outline four basic steps that can guide you to find your motivation and make the changes possible that have seemed out of reach. And she gives both tangible and more intangible examples of how to make the progress you want to make. The listener email for this week describes the pain that a mother or father can have if their child appears to have a volatile personality di

During the last week of June 2021 and first full week of July, we’re taking a bit of vacation – my awesome engineer has a fabulous move to make – and I’m getting ready to teach my first course on PHD to therapists! In fact, if you’d like to sign up for this power-packed CEYou! conference, and get 15% of the whole thing – you can use this link and the coupon code “PresenterRef” – at least up until the day of the conference which is July 6th, 2021. I’ll be providing research and information on perfect hidden depression – both things that are in the book and things I’ve learned since writing it! And there are some other wonderful presenters! So, I’d love to have you there. So many of you write to me, telling me the thing you like best about SelfWork is that in almost every episode, I focus on “what you can do about it.” So, I chose six specific episodes that really talk about just that – steps, tips, techniques, common mistakes or distortions, and what has worked for either me or my patients thru the years. Ment

I remember taking the Enneagram years ago - and quite frankly, I got pretty defensive about the results. It's funny now to think about! "This isn't me," I sarcastically decided. But I learned a lot about not only that defensiveness but the great insights the Enneagram has to offer through this conversation with author, speaker and Enneagram expert Beth McCord. She and her husband Jeff created Your Enneagram Coach, after spending years training under the top Enneagram experts, Beth is now leading the way in simplifying what she terms as the  "deep truths of the Enneagram." We kept this interview quite ecumenical but the McCords do add a biblical perspective as they teach. Beth believes strongly that the Enneagram can help you understand not only what you think and feel, but why you think and feel what you do. So welcome to this bonus episode of SelfWork, sponsored by the wonderful Athletic Greens! Important Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product

What are the Sunday Scaries? it's the phenomenon that so many experience at the end of the week, or perhaps more importantly, the end of the weekend – and the anticipation of entering the following work week. It’s very real, although it’s a little difficult to specifically define. Because it has lots of ways of being handled, or I guess not handled.. Whether you get angry, go to bed, escape thru alcohol or video gaming - or whether you tough it out - what occurs is what may have been your fleeting or even truly good mood evaporates into thin air – almost every Sunday. Like clockwork. You dread its coming – and you dread your dread. I hear things like, “I get paralyzed by around 3:00 on Sunday. And I can feel my mood darkening for what seems like no reason. Except it’s Sunday.” So today on SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to talk about these Sunday Scaries, how the pandemic has changed them (what I decided should be called the Seven Day Steady Scaries) and as always, what you can do about it.

Today on SelfWork we’re going to be talking about what have been called “daddy issues” as Father’s Day is upcoming and many children will be honoring their fathers who were there for them and with whom they enjoyed an emotionally safe and stable relationship. We'll talk about how this term has been used in a pejorative way, and replace it with "parent issues," which is far more realistic. Chief among the issues is sexual abuse.  But in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, I want to cover two other major dynamics that can cause a parent/child relationship to be damaging -  enmeshment and abandonment - or being emotionally unavailable. There are many others - the addicted parent, the critical parent, the mentally unstable parent. Below you'll find a couple of links to episodes that cover those topics as well. I’ll pull from the wisdom of my own therapy clients as they’ve seen for themselves what was wrong – and did their best to change it. The Speak Pipe listener question is from a man wh