Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

Friendships are vital for your sense of well-being.When you know that you have people that you can count on to be there for you when you need them, who you feel solidly connected to. that knowledge can offer a kind of grounding that's unshakeable.Dr. Margaret invites Marisa Franco to SelfWork to discuss how she discovered this for herself, how friendships have provided her with steady caring and acceptance, and how she uses the science of attachment to help you understand how to create and keep friendships in your life.Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.Publishes April 1st! Pre-orders matter! Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode. Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the pod

Choosing a career is one thing. However, knowing if it's the right choice for you or if you need to consider other alternatives? That can be more difficult.In this enlightening episode, Dr. Margaret speaks with Ashley Stahl, the author of the best-selling book, You Turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, Design Your Dream Career . They delve deep into the complexities of career choices and the transformative journey of discovering your true calling - one that more exactly fits with your core values. Throughout this conversation, listeners will gain invaluable insights on how to navigate these choices effectively and achieve outcomes that bring joy and fulfillment.Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.Publishes April 1st!  Pre-orders matter! Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newslett

Note: In this episode, Dr. Margaret talks with Penny Gray, who lost her husband to suicide. Please read/listen carefully. Here are international numbers of suicide hotlines.Suicide is hard for all, and horrific for others. Why? Because someone they loved died by suicide, and they were absolutely shocked.Not that suicide isn't always extremely hard on those that loved the person who took their own life. But when you suspect nothing... the emotions that come are hard to understand and accept.Whether you're a parent, a wife, a friend, a partner - the question of why they couldn't tell you what they were going through can haunt you.Maybe the concept of perfectly hidden depression can help. Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.Publishes April 1st!  Pre-orders matter! Be a part of the conversation and j

Bipolar disorder can be very difficult to diagnose. But that pales in comparison to what it can be like to live with and manage.This week, Dr. Margaret Rutherford is republishing her interview with Terri Cheney who writes about her own battle with bipolar disorder. Sometimes she's won that battle. But not every time. And she talks about mixed episodes, which are harder to understand and certainly harder to live through. Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.Publishes April 1st!  Pre-orders matter! Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode. Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the podcast. By recording, you give permission for your voice to be used on SelfWork!Our Sponsors:* Check o

Autism is a diagnosis that's feared by parents whose beloved child's development seems off.Dr. Theresa Lyons, a scientist and autism parent and expert, has lived this life. She and Dr. Margaret discuss what it was like, how she coped, and the professional and personal advice she has to offer.Dr. Lyons own words on discovering the autism diagnosis..."I knew something was wrong with my daughter. I just had this intuition. This knowing. That things just weren’t going right. My daughter was developing but there was just something not right. I had a nagging feeling and everyone kept telling me to ignore it and that everything’s fine but I ignored myself and that’s what I get really mad about."Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.Publishes April 1st!  Pre-orders matter! Be a part of the conversation

Self-blame - when it happens way too much - can be paralyzing.Five paralyzing consequences of self-blame... You were blamed as a child so it's become part of your own punishing self-critic which can lead to self-sabotage.You were manipulated or are being abused and you take the blame to "keep the peace" and become submissive.You take the blame for something that's happened to you in order to irrationally regain some sense of control.You're perfectionistic and are constantly looking for even the smallest of mistakes that your inner critic pounces on to shame and blame you.You need affirmation so you take blame that doesn't belong to you as a way of getting that kind of attention.Advertisers Links: Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscriptionPre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive a

The Bad People Bible  is a definitive guide to removing toxic people from your life.Written by celebrity and renowned clinical and forensic psychologist Dr. Peter J. Favaro, “Bad People Bible” combines real-life stories, psychological insights, and actionable strategies to help people recognize toxic individuals and get out of relationships with narcissists and manipulators.Dr. Favaro explained in in this interviews how many narcissists employ incredibly debilitating and manipulative strategies to their partners in marriage. And how very difficult it can be to get out of those marriages. He's seen it all.As he said, "I'm cynical - I swim in very toxic waters."Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.Publishes April 1st! Pre-orders matter! Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsl

Psychedelic-assisted therapy is being actively researched by mental health researchers for its efficacy. And where it's legal, it's reported to be highly effective in treating depression and suicide prevention. Suicide rates within our veteran and first responder communities are incredibly high, and I’ve had conversations before with several guests on SelfWork about this very painful fact. Research shows that traditional therapies often fall short for these individuals, leading to a search for alternative approaches. In recent years, psychedelic-assisted therapy has emerged as a promising option, harnessing substances like psilocybin and MDMA in controlled settings to facilitate profound psychological healing. By creating a safe environment for exploration of deep-seated traumas, individuals can experience breakthroughs that may have previously been inaccessible through conventional therapeutic methods. Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten trait

Flashbacks and nightmares are primary symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as well as CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) – and they’re extremely frightening to have. Nightmares and flashbacks occur in different states of consciousness. Flashbacks happen when you’re awake and conscious; nightmares happen during sleep. Nightmares can involve a range of distressing themes, from feelings of helplessness to fears of abandonment. You don’t have to have experienced trauma to have a nightmare, whereas flashbacks are reliving the trauma itself. We'll talk about the treatments available for both today on SelfWork! Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.Publishes April 1st!  Pre-orders matter! Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the l

Messy marriages are all over the place – and living through them and maybe grieving them can at times be extremely complicated. In today’s SelfWork episode, whether you’re grieving the death of someone with whom you had a complex and even hurtful relationship or whether that relationship still exists, you are often needing to grieve that person’s impact on you. With Valentines Day fast approaching, a date that people often have great fun with or hate living through, it’s important to realize that not all grief belongs with “good” or “meaningful” relationships. Maybe you were estranged from them. Maybe the relationship or marriage has taken you down paths that you didn’t want to go or never thought you would – and you have difficult feelings about that. It may seem contradictory – why would you need to grieve someone’s life or simply their presence in your life – if they’d hurt you? Or if you regret either getting married or staying married. That’s on today’s SelfWork.The listener email today is from someone w

Today we're exploring what's termed "anticipatory grieving."When you know something is going to happen that will bring its own kind of grief… whether it’s a loved one being diagnosed with a terminal illness, an unwanted divorce being filed, learning that a child will struggle with a learning difference – it can bring a slew of emotions, many of them moving in and out of your awareness quickly. Anticipatory grieving is a way to imagine, visualize, and begin to emotionally prepare for the loss that is to come.We’ll focus today on the five steps of anticipatory grieving – the how, when, what, where, and why it’s important. But before I do that, for any of you who are thinking, “Why in the hell would I want to do that?” I’ll answer that very good and reasonable question.I received a lovely message from someone telling me she’d listened to my podcast episode with Terry McGuire – who’s the host of Giving Voice to Depression and has struggled with depression herself. Terry talked about anhedonia – an

Self-criticism can take on a life of its own. And become so constant that you have to fight it on a daily or even hourly basis.So today we’re going to focus on what may be keeping your self-criticism alive and well in ways that you don't realize.There are two steps we’ll cover. The first is raising awareness of your own inner self-critical voice. The second is assessing what role or function it may have for you. What purpose might self-criticism have that weirdly protects you in some way or serves a role for you in your life?For our email, I’ve pulled some excerpts from an email I received from a younger reader who’d read the article on enmeshment I have on my website. She has questions about her relationship with her parents – she finds herself, even in her early 20’s, sharing certain kinds of things with them that her friends don’t share with their parents – and think it’s a little strange that she shares those experiences with hers. Her friends are saying that that’s oversharing – that there are certai

Are you being judgmental? Many of us would quickly say "no" to that question. But how many people do you know one thing about – and one thing only – and you categorize them as “bad” or “good”, "weak" or "strong," "smart" or "not the brightest bulb."It doesn’t take long for us to form an opinion. And there are obvious situations – such as one where there’s the possibility of harm – where quick judgments are necessary and very helpful.But what about the kind of judgment that you make because of your own biases? There are two mental mistakes we'll focus on today: confirmation bias and fundamental attribution error. They sound fancy, but many of us make these errors in judgment every day.So today we’re going to focus on how you judge your own judgmental-ness. Are you using your better judgment? Or are you making quick judgments that are based on biases and assumptions?Advertisers Links: Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscr

How do you know if someone with sociopathic traits is playing with your mind? Today on SelfWork we’re going to talk about just that.The term cognitive dissonance has been around for quite a long time. What it’s describing is when you do something or say something that you believe to be wrong or unkind or unjust. But you do it or say it anyway. So, you’re not following or abiding by the values that you say you have.The gaslighting technique of those with sociopathy... But cognitive dissonance can also be caused or created as well through toxic manipulation or what’s termed gaslighting. This is when someone with narcissistic traits or sociopathic ones creates a smokescreen of confounding lies, even telling you one thing is true as well as its opposite, and expecting you to blindly follow. The trap is complete when they prevent you from trusting your own gut or mind or heart. Or guide or lead you away from their manipulation.It can be paralyzing.You either must cut yourself off from the value that you hold – or

Disappointment. It’s a feeling in between hurt and shock. Why? Because you expect one thing – and you receive another. It doesn’t quite shock you - maybe it wasn’t totally unexpected. And it doesn’t crush you – it’s not exactly traumatic.But expectation and disappointment are totally interrelated.Some disappointment is normal of course. You don’t always win the prize or get what you were striving for, whether that’s a job, or a grade, a promotion, or a relationship moving ahead. But how do you feel it? And is it possible that you’re setting yourself up for disappointment in some way, especially if you tend to get disappointed a lot?How can you identify the expectations that you have that are likely not rational? You can so hope something is going to be different – that when it’s not – you’re disappointed for sure. Does that mean that your expectation was “wrong?”Building your capacity for disappointment... There’s a lot of focus on social media right now about building your capacity or your skill set in manag

Grief is never easy. And it can be made harder by the many things that happen with grief that you’re not prepared for – or believe ‘should’ be happening or ‘shouldn’t’. Dr. Elizabeth Kübler Ross made the observation about terminally ill people that they seemed to go through five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But she never meant for that model, no matter how interactive or nonlinear we may think about it – to become what it’s become – some kind of standard yardstick where you’re supposed to measure if you’re grieving the ‘right’ way.There’s not a right way. And it’s been my professional and personal experience that grief has a way of weaving in and out of your awareness. It’s not like there’s a tangible end. You may know when your grief began. And it’s not that it’s never-ending – that can be very difficult if that happens and cause deep depression and a kind of forlorn emptiness. But there may be days or weeks when you don’t really feel it – and then suddenly, your gr

“Low self-esteem” is one of the symptoms or reflections of classic depression. Of course, it goes along with other symptoms or signs - a negative self-image, feelings of helplessness and/or hopelessness, not enjoying much of anything – which is called anhedonia.But how do you increase self-esteem? What is self-esteem anyway? It’s a recognition of your value – of your worth. You can have high self-esteem, low self-esteem, or an inflated sense of self-esteem where you think too highly of yourself and even see others as less valuable or worthy than you.So, self-esteem often gets built in your childhood as your caregivers provide you with not only safety and security, but with love. They give you the message that you’re valuable – right?Well, maybe not. Maybe they don’t give you that message. Or maybe your parents did a pretty good job, not perfect but good enough. But you had other relationships – or chose them – where you got the message that you weren’t so valuable after all.This is the focus today on SelfWork

Have you ever thought that intuition could be used for healing crisis?Laura Day, the New York Times bestselling author is back with a long-awaited, life-altering book to help you learn how to do just that. In her past breakthrough book Practical Intuition, she explained how anyone can train themselves to gain full access to the powers of the intuitive brain. However, only Laura’s closest friends knew that behind the book’s phenomenal success was a dark family history.In this, her first book in fifteen years, Day, shares her haunting and unforgettable family story. Multiple suicides including her mother. A home life where the kids actually lived by themselves in a separate apartment from their parents. Only her intuition helped her figure out what no one had taught her – how to care for herself and her siblings.Now, Day has combined her experiences and teaching in her new book, The Prism: Seven Steps to Heal Your Past and Transform Your Future (Spiegel & Grau; April 29, 2025. It reveals seven points in our

Today we have a grab bag of questions and comments, with the topics being blame, perfectly hidden depression, and bipolar disorder.The first is from a mom who lived through her daughter and yet also didn’t offer safety or a sense of security – even with the basic things. This listener is now sober for a year (much to her credit) and is asking about how to navigate her relationship with her mom – who's still chaotic. The second is from a therapist who attended one of my workshops on perfectly hidden depression and had a great comment to make. The third is a voicemail from an older mom who sees her daughter as blaming her without reasonable cause. And last, someone whose fairly new boyfriend revealed he’d been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Since her father also had bipolar disorder, she’s not quite sure how to respond or react…I’m very honored when listeners of SelfWork or readers of my articles on my website respond to me in some way. Realizing there’s much I don’t know after reading or listening to the

Anger has a place. It’s an important emotion to feel and know how to handle. It lets you know a boundary and maybe a very important boundary, value, or expectation has been ignored or crossed or threatened in a very real way. But it’s a skill then to think through what you’re going to do with that anger.It seems that there are a lot more people these days who are angry. Maybe it’s because the immediacy that social media and texting have provided that have made it SO much easier to attack someone else online – or it was online at first. Maybe it’s political rhetoric that’s become more aggressive and insulting, as if that’s okay.There's anger... and then there's losing your shit. But what do you do after you've lost your shit? Losing your shit is about losing control. It’s about very poor management – yes. But that term – albeit fairly colorful – usually means that you got way too mad about something and even you recognize that you were way out of line. Maybe it’s a pattern for you. Maybe you do it