Regular Features

"Doctor! Doctor! They're finally waking up!" "Who is, nurse Hurdy-Gurda?" "The readers!" "Jesus Christ, I can't believe it! After all these years?" "It would seem so. What should we tell them?" "Get out of my way, nurse. Readers, you've been asleep for... well, a very long time. We've got flying horses these days, and phones are obsolete because we've all got antennae. Thankfully, one thing remains static: Regular Features, and this week Log, Steve and Joe are all talking about inuits, and noses and diseases and everything. Now for god's sake put some clothes on, you're embarrassing yourself."

Another insurmountable crisis has left our boys unable to meet - but THAT won't stop us! Let Steve take you on a super soaraway adventure in the highest place there is - space itself. Joe's feature brings us crashing back to earth, and Log's feature burrows as deep as humans have ever been - a wet cave. And it's all glued together with the highly sought-after voice talent of the sexiest man alive. Come, you spirits, that tend on mortal thoughts! Unsex me here, lest I blow my load on public transport Features this bit of music from the pervasively useful Incompetech: Study And Relax by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/5764-study-and-relax License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Steve has gone to see the Sonic movie, and Log has noticed that it was a bit blowy recently. What more do you want? Oh, you want a song and dance do you? You want bells and whistles? You want me on all fours, with a bell around my neck and a whistle jammed into my ass. What I'm getting from this entire conversation is that you want my flatulence to agitate a pea. Well it's not going to happen

I've got a tummy full of lentils and I'm ready to burn down a house. But before that, here's another episode of Regular Features. In this one, Log tries to clap eyes on a houseworth of elusive alpha boys, Steve tackles the insidious influence of Big Pharma, and Matt tests out Log's uncanny ability to commune with condiments. Wow!

This week Steve, Joe, Matt and Gav go on an adventure to space to meet a long lost Uncle and then crash back down to earth to deal with a naughty virus.

IT’S TIME ONCE AGAIN TO BECOME ONE WITH THE INEFFABLE COSMIC CLOUD THAT IS SOME FEATURES. SNIFF THE DIRTY SPACE DUST THAT CAME OUT OF THE PUSSY PALS. MARVEL AT THE NEBULAN LIGHTS COMING FROM A CONSTELLATION OF A WELL YOU ARE COMPELLED TO SMELL. BUY A TOUCAN LAMP. IT’S ALL GOOD BABY JUST BE COOL WITH IT.

"Get that Grizzly out of my sandwich stash, Mr Hargreaves - or I'll jam my Capri-Sun straw in his bunghole." This is just one of the things you'd have heard at our primary school, where one of the teachers was an unruly Bear. But after he let a starving child lick honey off his paw, everyone saw that perhaps he was a human being after all. Here have some brand new features! Including the return of TWO characters from TWO YEARS AGO! Who, you ask? Good question! We weren't sure either

Sound the horns, see the signs, taste the mud, smell a hedge, touch a friend, because this burr-rand new episode of the Regular Features podcast is a sensory overload. Log discovers a kindred soul with a love of big boys to match his own, Joe has unearthed Uri Geller's application to join the government, and Steve has invited an old food critic friend around to explain the latest culinary craze.

Welcome to the new Millennium. Here is a podcast that is exactly the same as it always was and always will be. We're not changing and if you ask us to we'll scream and we'll scream and we'll scream and then tell you to fuck off. HNY!! xx

We're in between Christmas and New Year's, in that curious period of time that lately has come to be known as St. Goochmas Week. Gav is walking Coco and talking loco, Steve is plane, train and automobiling himself entirely inside a National Express coach, and Joe reintroduces us to a very special Secret Santana. Happy Christmas, readers.

Hope you've got some paper towels ready, because it's time for another Regular Features, the wettest and heaviest podcast in town. This week, Joe and Gav investigate the wild world of minor celebrities openly debasing themselves for small amounts of money. And that is frankly all that's worth mentioning about this episode.

Have YOU voted in the 2019 election? If you have then here's a special podcast as a present just to say thanks.

It's shocking. It's frightening. But you can't look away. You cannot take your eyes off it. It is episode 374 of the Regular Features podcast. Joe has discovered the only thing in this world that can bring unity to the British public, Log dips into his bottomless well of altruism, and Steve lets you in on the secrets to buying the perfect Christmas tree. Let's go, madame, you've heard enough.

It's time to get down and dirty with your three favourite boys. Favourite 1 & 2: Joe and Steve are in the studio with lovely/funny features. Favourite 3: Gav interjects with a tale about presents and revenge.

Look, it's just Steve and Log this week, so you can expect about twenty minutes of low-energy discussion on the topic of sandwiches cut with some top-notch King whimsy. Everybody else will be back soon, please be patient with us during these trying times.

It's a guilt bonanza as Joe, Log and Steve collectively decide to write almost entirely about religion for reasons that will probably become terrifyingly clear to them on their deathbed (they're all going to die together in the same bed). Read E.H. Macmillan's incredible Bird comic here: https://twitter.com/m4pala/status/1192299673479835648

This week we've got features galore - you've got yer Log, you've got yer Steve and even a Gav. What more do you want from us?!

This week we bring THREE spooky stories from Steve, Joe and Gav. Don't have nightmares. And if you do, it's not our fault. It's Matt's.

Joe returns to his beloved Instabae, the Spoonbending Wizard of Israel. Log panic-writes a sea-faring ballad with NO TIME LEFT, and Matt takes the subject of his dodgy guts, and really runs with it. We cannot apologise enough about the sheer amount of excrement in this issue

Well well well, if it ain't a Reader, come crawlin' back to my Regular Features Saloon, cap in hand, hopin' for another dose of that features medicine y'all need so much. I betcha want a little bit of Log trying to be business-like, or a story from oooool' Matt about his mouse dealings. Haha I betchoo even want a bit of Joe contributin' nothin' of significance because his feature was retroactively deemed bad. OK OK you can have a lil sip this time, but DON'T expect me to take such kindness on you in fyootcha. PTOOIE! I spat a tobacco to show you I mean biz-i-ness. PTOOIE!!!!